Secret American History, Part I

Last known photo of Abraham Lincoln, inside his Atomic Regeneration Chamber (c. 1927)

Lincoln never died. He faked his death and up until the Chinese Robot Invasion of 1959, secretly ran the nation from his fortified bunker deep inside of Mount Carmel.

It was Old Abe that ordered the execution of Adolph Hitler in 1948, that used his laserbeam eyes to carve the lines at Nazca (they spell a secret warning to potential alien invaders that's basically "Hands off, bug eyes!"), that inadvertently caused the Great Depression by buying high and selling low (his worst idea ever, really) and was behind every real moment of goodness and decency in American politics until his sudden disappearance after he defeated the robotic Moaist hordes in single-handed combat, the way only a heroic vampyre President could.

Where Lincoln went to and why he went away remain a mystery to this day. But the faithful believe that he will someday return, that he is only napping like any old man. And when he wakes up, those kids better get off of his lawn.

Weird Reasons to Vote for Obama #3

Lincoln's Birthday!

In 2009, we celebrate the bicentennial of the birth of our finest President, Abraham Lincoln. I'm very biased about this, having a tangled past professional work history with Old Abe, but I don't think you can point to a greater leader at a greater time of national turmoil and upheaval than Lincoln. FDR is second in my book. Sorry, Greatest Generation.

Who better to have as our 44th President than Barack Obama, the living validation of what Lincoln died for. If you don't think Lincoln died for our sins, as a nation, because of slavery, then you're a very bad, very ignorant person and I'd like to ask you to leave this blog immediately. Go on, now, shoo!

Is this "playing the race card"? I dunno. Not the way Bill Clinton has been and then been denying that he has been. Or the way the Republicans (with the silent consent of the Clinton campaign) are now doing in North Carolina. What it is, simply, is a statement of fact: Barack Obama will be the first black President of the United States of America, a nation once torn apart in bloodiest war over the enslavement of African-Americans. (And if you are a neo-Confederate who thinks the Civil War was NOT about slavery, follow that swinging door, please. You're neither wanted nor welcome here, I'm afraid.)

I'm looking forward with great pleasure and anticipation to the speech President Obama will give, from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial one would hope, on that morning of February 12, 2009. If you think he's given us some good words so far, just wait. In fact, I may start making my travel plans now. I think my family and I need to be there on that day.

Vote Obama!

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Oh, How He Hated to Shave!

THE BIG QUESTION: Do we need a Commander in Chief with military experience?

There's an awful lot of folks these days thinking that the only kind of leadership experience a President of the United States needs is military. Just scan the comments sections in political blogs. You'll find it, I guarantee.

But is there any truth to this idea? Let's look at one former President - Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln is, I think unarguably, our finest President. Tall, funny, smart, ruggedly handsome (stretching the definition of handsome a bit), politically acute and a military hero. Helluva guy!

Wait, I mis-wrote. Abe was never a military hero. I must've been thinking of Hillary.

So what was the ultimate War President's military record? Well, during the Black Hawk War, Lincoln was the elected Captain of a militia band that never really saw any heat, any action. More like a bunch of drunks with guns in reality (except for Abe, who was always the odd-man out when it came to drinking in the 19th century). What kind of experience did this give him to lead the country during its darkest hour? Lincoln experienced an incredible insight, that he could inspire and command the respect of his peers. It was an eye-opening revelation for the aspiring young Abe. Personally, I think this is the kind of experience a leader can gain in almost any situation. Obama's work on Chicago's south side as a community organizer is as good if not better than Lincoln's military record when it comes to standards of leadership.

An interesting corollary to this question of military service: Can one only serve one's country by serving in the military? If this is again to be a benchmark for the Presidency, then I think it's time to change the Constitution. Henceforward, only veterans can run for or be elected to the Office of President of the United States of America. Hallelujah - we're all saved!

Sound good? No, of course it doesn't. Pretty damn stupid. McCain has a lot of medals and has served honorably in the military. Bush supposedly had some kind of military experience. Bill Clinton sure as heck didn't. Hillary doesn't. Neither does Obama. How many medals would qualify as "military experience"? How many years? Does getting shot in the face by a sitting Vice President count?* Does the Coast Guard?

Jokes aside, if we look at the non-military records of the candidates, I have to say that each one has met or exceeded the "service to one's country" Presidential benchmark. All have served, in many ways, to do what they have thought best for this nation and its people. I don't agree with a lot of the things two of them have done, but that's beside the point right now. And the example of Lincoln is enough to teach us all that military experience doesn't count for squat. Leadership counts. Inspiring others to do and be their best counts. I think there's only one candidate right now that meets these benchmarks.

Vote Obama!

* BTW, our current VP has absolutely no military experience. In fact, he went out of his way to get deferment after deferment. Class act all the way, our Cheney, class act.