Old Mother Hubbard Went to the Undertakers...And Didn't Come Back

IDIOTS.

What Would Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus Do?

It's like Christmas, the presents just keep coming.

Now, the folks what are always telling us that every word of The Bible is literal, unchanging truth and should be adhered to like glue...are rewriting The Bible. Or at least the part that matters, the one with Jeebus in it. See, it's too liberal and they need to make it more conservative.

Stop laughing! I'm serious! Really, hahahahahaha they are hahahahahahaha rewriting hahahahahaha The hahahahahahaha Bible!

Just like Jefferson did. I'm sure. I bet they're going to create a humanist text revealing the core philosophy of Christ, stripping out every reference to the divinity of Christ and the supernatural (miracles, etc) and get back to the basic message of the King of Peace!

Well, amen, I say! Hallelujah! Right on, brothers and sisters!

Oh, this just in. The word "peace" will no longer be in the Jeebus Part. Here's Rule #4 these Think-O-Maniacs came up with:

4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".

I'm gonna be sick. Hahahahahahahahahahahapuke.

[Can someone 'splain to me, please, what's wrong with "miracle"? I get "word" - it's got "urban" ie black connotations now. Jeebus didn't like the black folks, we all know. And "peace" has been all crazied up by people who want, uh, peace in the world. Bastards! Stoopid liberals ruining a perfectly good word - um, I mean, collection of letters representing an idea or thing or action. But "miracle"? My money is on a fracked-up association with homosexuality but I'm probably wrong. What am I missing? "Miracle on ice"? Do conservatives hate hockey too?]

UPDATE: Here's what Conservapedia says on the "librul outrage" over their proposed bastardization of the Good Book:

Liberal hypocrisy anyone? In their condemnation of the Conservative Bible Translation Project, the critics have forgotten their praise for last year's "Green Bible", an eco-friendly edition made from recycled paper, processed soy ink, and the words of nature - not Christ - in green.

Gosh. I never thought of it like that. Printing some words in an edition of The Bible in green while others are not in green is EXACTLY like editing it to conform to your twisted, hateful, mean-spirited, homophobic, racist, sexist political agenda! Exactly. No difference. Libruls is stoopid.

UPDATE DOS: I'm so seriously amused by this, I can't stop reading about it or sharing it. Here's the Conservapedia timeline on accomplishing their exalted mission:

How long would this project take? There are about 8000 verses in the New Testament. At a careful rate of translating about four verses an hour, it would take one person 2000 hours, or about one year working full time on the project.

So, if they get, like, 2000 dedicated conservative Bible-istas, they can have this whole thing done in ONE hour!

By the power of Grayskull! Bastardize thine Holiest of Holies!

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

LAST UPDATE (PROMISE!): In the midst of all my rabid amusement over this stunning announcement, I missed this example of the type of change they intend to inflict on the New Testament, which actually tempers my pleasure somewhat (from the Conservapedia project page):

First Example - Liberal Falsehood

The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:^[7]

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

Really. Seriously. They are removing as liberal propaganda one of the loveliest and most touching verses in the New Testament, a line that has always made me stop and think about how I treat other human beings, about how my own ignorance can hurt others and how I need to temper my anger and slow my wrath and stop being as critical as I know I can be without knowledge of another's heart (everywhere except on this blog, of course). A line, too, that in the King James is one of the sweetest sounding verses to ever roll from human lips. The cadence and sonority of "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" makes me weep, it is so lovely. It's a poem in and of itself.

And doesn't it seem like they are praising the executioners of Christ while putting down Jesus at the same time? Assuming an historical personage like Jesus Christ ever existed, of course. Which I doubt. What are we looking at here? Did Nancy Pelosi invent a time machine, travel back about 2000 years and somehow manage - with the vast knowledge of ancient Middle Eastern languages one must assume she has, as the Anti-Christ's Playmate - to sneak this totally anachronist crazy liberal verse into a draft version of Luke? It's very strange, very WTF.

But why? Well, by comparison why is pretty easy to understand. See my previous post. This is the New Christianity at work. A Christianity without pity. Without compassion. Without love. Everything else, I guess, is just fear.

Blessed Be the Dicks

Michael Moore has a diary post up on DailyKos this morning, about his faith and Jesus and capitalism. In sum, he writes that Jesus wouldn't approve of capitalism because it sacrifices the poor for the benefit of the wealthy. And I think he's fundamentally right about this.

Problem is, that's an outdated and sadly old-fashioned view of Christianity that Michael's carrying around. He needs to get hip, get now, get with the program!

The NEW Christianity says fuck the poor. Jesus only loves you if you are rich. Jesus only cares about you if you are powerful. Jesus will welcome you at the gates of Heaven himself, but only if you accrue wealth and power and abuse the privileges of such to the fullest during your mortal life span. The poor and the powerless, being poor and powerless, have no right to pity or mercy or the blessings of God. If they did, they'd be rich and powerful. Ergo...

I'm not making this up out of whole cloth, kids. This is modern-age Christianity - circa 1935 on. Read The Family and you'll finally be able to understand why the wealthy and powerful seem like such dicks. Because they think they have the right be to be dicks. The heavenly right to be dicks. The heavenly right to do whatever they want, damn the consequences, because there are no consequences. Screw morality! Screw ethics! In fact, there are no morals or ethics to screw in the New Christianity, because morals and ethics are the petty rules of the poor and powerless and Old Christianity, meant to constrain the rich and powerful and prevent them from heedlessly trampling upon the poor and powerless. (Does your head hurt yet?) Therefore they must and can be safely ignored in the pursuit of wealth and power. 'Cuz Jesus say so.

"Blessed be the dicks."

So ends the sermon for this Sunday, October 4, in the year of His Blessed Savageness, 2009. Amen and go with Raptor Jesus! May his teeth shine light upon the wicked in the darkness and his claws rend justice unto the deserving!

My Drool Cup Runneth Over

Less than a day and the hateful bigots have already found a way to defend the killing of a fellow Christian by a fellow Christian within a Christian church.

See, it wasn't really a Christian church - it was a "church." And Dr. Tiller wasn't really a Christian. He was a "Christian."

So, it's all good.

Glad that problem's solved.

(Actually, looks like we got ourselves a homegrown Holy War on our hands, folks! Get ready for the New and Improved Thirty Years' War! Can you say "Defenestration of Wichita"?)

PS Here's a diary snapshot from Daily Kos of the man Bill O'Reilly liked to call (dozens of times over the last few years) "Tiller the Baby Killer." Isn't hate is sooooo much more fun to foment if you can make it rhyme! Of course, this is just some "doctor" giving their opinion. Not a respected "religious leader". Probably best if you don't read it. Don't expose yourself to a different opinion or new idea. Could be dangerous.