Mr. Law & Order

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And, tomorrow, David Vitter is going to turn himself in for having illegal sex with prostitutes. He's going to bring his own rope and ask that he just be lynched right away because he can't stand for anyone who breaks the law to go unpunished!

What a guy.

What They Do When We're Not Looking

I read the headlines on Daily Kos about voter fraud in Wisconsin and I feared greatly for our democracy. Ohmigod, I thought/screamed, ACORN is back! Images of happy non-white voters legally expressing themselves at the ballot box filled my head - oh, the horror, the horror!!!!

But now I feel better. This time - unlike the imaginary last time - it's just Republicans, Tea Baggers and similar filth planning in detail to subvert the electoral process in Wisconsin, disenfranchise minority voters and rig an election.

No biggie. Because, as we all know, It's Okay If You're A Republican!!!!

Or a white rich male. Same diff.

What's the name of that Metallica album that always comes to mind at times like these? Hmmm....

How to Beat Republicans in One Easy Lesson

Lesson One - 
Call Them On Their Lies

Thus ends today's lesson. Amen.

The New Crazy

I've been bin-diving the crazy online for a long time now, always trying to keep my itchy finger on what's driving the fringe, and one thing that hasn't changed in years is the über-far-right conspiracy mania over government surveillance of us all ("They watch us poop! And they know what you ate last night, too!") and the ever-present, ever-popular BLACK HELICOPTERS!

Gotta love them black helicopters, man, that's a classic.

But now,tThe teabagger/wingnut/libercrazians have finally done it - inverted their own sense of reality, turning themselves inside out to pull the last bit of crazy into the light of day.

Current TC (Top Crazy), Rand Paul, son of famous former TC, Ron, is now begging the big scary government to watch us from the skies - and to send in the helicopters!!!

Wow. It's a philosophic reality flip-flop of incredible dimensions, kids. I bet tachyons are leaking from RP's toenails over this one. Space and time are ripping! C'thulhu is rising! Children are being born today speaking fluent Esperanto, the old are aging backwards, John McCain is acting honorably and Rahm Emanuel has stopped swearing...for Lent!

All I can say is "Congratulations!" And Philip K. Dick would be proud.

Bondage Family Values

Republicans are the gift that keeps on giving. You think they can't possibly get more messed up, more stupid, more hypocritical...but they can! And they do!

Of course, it helps when you have a PR-wiz like Michael Steele in charge of your national party machine. What, you say, what has Steele done now?

Nothin' much, just $2000 worth of wining and dining good old-fashioned Christian Republican donors at lesbian bondage strip clubs. Just good clean lesbian bondage strip-club family value fun, that's all! Did I mention the lesbian bondage strip club?

I know my newest troll won't believe any of this because he or she apparently doesn't believe anything in the media, but for those who want more laughs, check out this and this. It's so sweet it's schadenfreude-a-licious!

Does this matter? No. But it's freakin' funny as hell! It'll mean nothing to the brainwashed rightwing true believers. I mean, the wingnut brigade out there is still incensed about Obama's feet being on his own desk in his own office, for pete's sake! For some reason, it bothers them when the black man does it. Though when the white men did it, they were fine. Explain........waiting......nothing? Still nothing? Trying to find someway to say it's wrong without admitting you're a racist?

It's okay. I can wait. I'll just put my feet up on my desk...

UPDATE! BREAKING! Steele innocent! Or so he says. And I guess because he says so we gotta believe him, because when a Republican says something it's always true. Just ask Nixon.

SUPER-DUPER UPDATE! TOTALLY BROKEN! Steele FIRES staff member who digs lesbian bondage strip-club family fun time! Way to man up and take responsibility, Mike! You're the man! Are you going to fire yourself for that Hawaiian resort snafu next?

Oh...I cannot stop laughing about this. I really can't. I just hope they don't fire Mike because he's the surest path to victory for Dems in 2010. And we know he won't resign, so it's pink slip or nothing for him. If there's ever been a Republican values poster boy, it's Steele: unwilling to take responsibility for any action of his own or his subordinates (to whom we can only assume he sets the role model for behavior), lavishly out of touch with reality, dumb as a brick and mule-stubborn. It's like they cloned Bush's brain!

Yes, We Did

This would only be a better video if they spliced in a clip from Scanners at the end...you know...exploding head-time.

Poor Boehner. I bet he thought he looked so courageous and filled with moral outrage.

All he really did was look like a jack-o-lantern throwing a tantrum.

In all seriousness, though, I do think Pumpkinhead represents something tangible here. He's the face of people afraid of losing their privilege and power, afraid of history and change, afraid of everything that doesn't look just like himself in the mirror. No wonder the neo-Nazis are feeling so liberated these days. Guys like Pumpkinhead are now publicly channeling all their sick masturbatory racial fear fetishes, right on the floor of the United States Congress. Good job, Johnny. Better hope they don't blame you for not stopping Obama. They turn easily.

Time to Switch?

QUESTION YOURSELF: If you are a Republican, can you support the party that thinks it is a reasonable thing for protestors to call members of the opposition party by foul racist and sexual slurs?

Think about it. That's exactly what Republican spokes-troll Rep. Devin Nunes of California thinks, speaking as a member of the party this morning in response to the sick verbal abuse inflicted by Tea-Baggers yesterday on Rep. Barney Frank and Rep. John Lewis.

Nunes actual words:

“When you use a totalitarian tactics, people, you know, begin to act crazy,” Nunes told C-SPAN’s Steve Scully Sunday morning when asked about the slurs. “I think that people have every right to say what they want. If they want to smear someone they can do it. It’s not appropriate--I think I would stop short of characterizing the 20,000 people protesting, that all of them were doing that.”

"Not appropriate" are the strongest words of condemnation Nunes can come up with.

Well. Okay. Then. By that standard, I guess it's perfectly okay to slander David Nunes as an illiterate, self-abusing, corpse-eating, Satan-worshiping, porn-addicted, wife-beating, dope-smoking flat-Earther. And charter member of NAMBLA.

Sorry. Yeah. That's going too far. Scratch "illiterate."

(John Lewis, BTW, is a heckuva nice guy and real American hero who was savagely beaten in 1961 in Montgomery while marching to end racial discrimination in this country. Fuck you if think otherwise. Barney Frank if you don't know is the second openly gay member of Congress and while I think he should occasionally think before speaking - as smart and amusing as he can be - I bet Frank would probably speak up in defense of a toad like Nunes if he were similarly abused by Democratic protestors. Again, fuck you...Seriously, I just don't care if you have an opposing opinion on this subject. I really don't.)

None Dare Call It Treason

ABOVE: Governor Tim Pawlenty seconds before being delivered a vicious series of noogies by a bunch of really smart kids. It's for your own good, Governor; take it like man.

There's really not much more to say about how completely out of touch, heartless and totally fucked the Republican party is today that can't be summed up by this quote from Governor Tim Pawlenty.

"Take a nine iron and smash a window out of big government."

Pawlenty said that this morning. This morning. Yeah.

Only one day after a crazed "domestic terrorist" did his damndest to try and kill hundreds of federal employs by crashing his plane into an IRS building.

Gov. Pawlenty: You are a worthless piece of shit. A "retard" of the highest order, to quote the great Rush Limbaloney. To even use such a metaphor as an elected official, is reprehensible. Yes, I understand it's supposed to be a catchy, hip reference to Tiger Woods, about a month too late for it too really be catchy or hip. Doesn't matter. It's one thing for a crapmaster like Grover Norquist, who's never held office in his life, to use a drowning-baby metaphor to describe his fetishes about the size of government, but it's another thing entirely for the governor of a state to do so. In fact, I call it treason.

Oh, I know, that one man's treason is another man's witty remark, but it's always only okay if you are a Republican, isn't it? If a Democrat had said the same thing during the Reign of Bush the Second, a call would have went out for his or her head, for a hanging, a lynching, a firing squad at dawn!

Damn, but this crap makes me so tired.

Caution - Lairs @ Work

 

Make sure you wrap an Ace bandage tightly around your head or after you watch the Liars @ Work above you'll end up like this:

Wasn't Scanners cool?

Give Me an "F"!!!

American traitor, Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.), flew bravely across the big scary ocean in a shiny warm aeroplane, with a bunch of his closest aides - evidently people who help Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) breathe and tie his shoes - to a widdle-biddle teeny-weeny northern country this week.

Why? We dunno. Except that he thinks someone is pulling his leg about science things. And he likes to look like a big man.

Sadly, no one paid any attention to him and the couple of reporters who wandered by during his "speech" spent more time trying to figure out how to spell his name than report on what he said.

One "F" or two? I know what "F" I'm giving him. And it's a big one.

--------

Less snarkily, if a Democratic Senator had done something similar while Bush reigned supreme, going to another country where our President was speakifying importantly, just to slam his policies and take our internal politics across outside our borders...well, he or she would have been crucified by the right and the Rethuglicans and the media would have spent days reacting in horror.

Today, as my trolls like to say, crickets. IOKIYAR, ain't it. At least one thing never changes.

Orange You Glad...

Transcript:

"No time to read the big long bill of many pages, but it's trash. And we can do better. You just wait! We'll show you! Really, we will. Seriously. Next week...Can I go now?"

I love the enthusiasm in his voice. He's already thinking of the tanning bed.

A Rep for That

The Sound of Fear

This is the sound of frightened old white men. It's beautiful music, kids, bee-yoo-ti-full!!!

Angry White Racist Commended by Senator

It reads like an Onion headline, but it's true...



Now that Glenn Beck is on the run, maybe we can do something about Senator "Wally"!

Second That (E)Motion

I'm with Grandpa Simpson - "I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah."

But I do applaud the Springfield News-Leader for kicking the grouty butt of Roy Blount when he was caught REPEATEDLY lying to a newspaper editorial board about health care reform. Kudos to them and the diarist at Daily Kos who's spreading the word about Roy "It's not a lie if I say it's not! Really, I think I remember that somebody might maybe have told me this! Really!!!!" Blount.

If you think my hatred of Missouri petty and childish, please go and live there for four years. Then we'll talk. They didn't call them "Pukes" in the previous to last century for nothin', kids.

One of Our Governors Is Missing!

Or he was missing.

'Case you hadn't heard, the retarded Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford (R - with former Presidential aspirations), went unexpectedly bye-bye for a while. For most of a week in fact. Without telling his wife, his aides, his Lt. Governor or anyone in the state of South Carolina where he was going.

So, when his wife naturally started to worry and went public about this, after he'd been gone for days already, his aides put together the story that he was just out for a hike...on the Appalachian Trial. But he wasn't. They lied. They didn't know where he was and they couldn't or wouldn't admit it. (That's the Republican version of "accountability" at work, kids).

Real story? Gosh, but it seems that Governor "I Don't Want No Stinkin' Obama Money 'Cuz I Wanna Run for President Agin' Him!" Sanford was actually off with his mistress in Argentina. Crying, he says. Yeah, crying.

Sweet.

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, this couldn't be more apropos. I wrote the snarky little piece below because I was pissed not at Sen. Ensign's affair with a married woman but because I was pissed about the gushing Return of the Prodigal Philandering Son Welcome given him by his GOP buddies in the Senate.

Remember, It's OK If You're a Republican - So Long As You Apologize Afterwards (and Preferably Mention God and/or Jesus While Doing So). That's IOKIYAR-SLAYAAAPMGAOJWDS. I doubt that acronym is gonna catch on.

Screw the acronyms - let's just call them Republicans! No bigger insult available these days.

Governor Sandford should resign from office. Not for his affair, but for his total and complete abrogation of his elected duties as Governor of the State of South Carolina. If Illinois had such an incompetent Governor, we'd be clamoring for his head!

Oh, wait...

Apology Accepted...?

"Rich White Male Apologizes Sincerely For Affair In Which He Cheated On His Wife With Another Married Woman"

And it's very touching. Senator John Ensign has deeply and with real emotion apologized for his personal sexual affair...to his work buddies? Who applauded afterwards?

I guess his wife will read about it here. Sorry, Mrs. Ensign. A man's gotta have his priorities.

Why am I vomiting in my mouth?

I Do Declare!

Like Rush Limbaugh before him, Newt can't get a break!

I mean, really, you can't expect a "historian," a "scholar," a prized Republican intellectual light like Newt to accurately quote from the Declaration of Independence, can you?

That's asking an awful lot, kids. These guys have their priorities: hating women, hating minorities, hating Obama, hating the poor, hating the middle class, hating everything that's not white and privileged and wealthy and elite.

That's a lot of hating to do. No time for fact checking. Really - it took me nearly three seconds to find the full text of the Declaration of Independence online! THREE WHOLE SECONDS! Newt could've forgotten to hate someone in that time.

Just to be nice, in case Newt needs it in the future, I'm gonna post it here, in full. All he's gotta do is bookmark my blog. (I know you read it, Newt!)

FUN FACT: I can only find four references to a deity in the Declaration. None in the Constitution. Is this the evidence that we are a Christian nation I keep hearing? Not one mention of Christ or Jesus or Jeebus or Raptor Jesus even. But a really provocative mention of "Nature's God," a deist term that is purposefully at odds with the idea that we are a Christian nation and meant rather specifically to suggest otherwise. Fun facts, indeed.

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

hen in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

From: USHistory.org

Been There, Done That

From the lunatic fringe (ie, The Washington Times) comes a touching look back at "The W(h)it(e) and Wisdom of Ronald Reagan." You all remember Ronnie, right, former-President of the North American Man-Chimp Love Association (NAMCLA)?

Here's a couple of paragraphs I just love:

Some years ago, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl reported on a jobs program run out of a Harlem housing project in New York City. Participants were the hard-core unemployed who either had never had a job or couldn't hold onto one. All were minorities. The leader asked, "How many think racism is a problem in America?" Every hand went up. He then said, "So what? Your problem isn't racism; your problem is attitude, and that's what we're going to change."

He taught them how to dress, how to shake hands and look prospective employers in the eye. Cameras followed one woman to an interview. She got the job and began to cry. She had discovered her value and the power of the individual. Government didn't give her that job; she got it on her own. In fact, government had been sending her checks, which had caused her to be more dependent on government.

How much do I love these paragraphs? Let me count the ways...

As a teacher, I see myself as someone whose job is to empower students to believe in themselves, to help instill a sense of self-worth and self-esteem within my students, to help my students learn that the power to change their lives comes first and foremost from within themselves. And none of this is to be done at the expense of "book learning," I believe, but as an intrinsic part of the whole.

But for years, conservatives have lambasted the likes of me and my insidious brethren for trying to do the above. Not our job, we're told. Just teach 'em to read and write and count to four by twos. Self-esteem and self-worth are wasted in the schools, we've been told. Fuck 'em, we've been told.

And here comes Mr. Cal (Probably Well-Educated at Tax Payer's Expense at Some Point In His Sad Life) Thomas who says that isn't it great when we empower people and help them with their self-esteem and show them that they are intrinsically valuable?

So long as nasty old government ain't doing it, that is. So long as it also stamps a hob-nailed boot down on the idea that racism exists in America. So long as it serves the conservative agenda. So long...so long...so long and thanks for all the fish (RIP Doug Adams - you're still missed!).

Bastards.

PS Ever seen a more disturbing or patronizing or more unfortunately appropriate photo than Reagan bottle-feeding Bonzo? Probably stuffed the bottle full of downers first, to lull the chimp into a false sense of security. Before he beat it to death with the empty. Just to try and win back the love of Jane Wyman.

Brown Skin Woman Scaredy Cat Blues

The Republicans are quaking-at-the-ankles terrified of a petite Latina jurist. Damn, but those white boys is funny!

Afraid she'll best them in a game of Trivial Pursuit - Non-White Male Edition?

BTW, there are some incredible old blues videos on YouTube. Like this one from Lightnin'.

Gawd, do I love Lightnin'!