Showing posts with label Sarah Palin Ain't No Good. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin Ain't No Good. Show all posts

Friday, October 15, 2010

Where's My Unicorn?


The Political Gospel According to Sarah doth say:
"[Democrats] act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland if they really think they're gonna be able to turn it around with the liberal policies they have to continue, and you know, it's pixie dust."
Unicorn ranch? Where the fuck is this? I want my goddamn pink fuzzy unicorn and I want it now!!!

What else are they holding out on us? Jetpacks? Woolly mammoth dishwashers? And they also got pixie dust?

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I'm quitting the secret Democratic Fantasy Party immediately if I don't get my unicorn by secret Intertube mail within one hour. One hour, you heard me. Unicorn-holding out bastards.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Once a Quitter...

Always a quitter!

Sarah Palin even quits her own vacation!

Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

I guess someone forgot to tell her that only elitist socialist America-haters vacation in our 50th state.

I'm going to be sick; this is too funny.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Race Is On!

Sarah Palin just resigned as Governor of Alaska. Yeah. Just a few minutes ago, basically. And she gave a nearly incomprehensible and, I'm sure, deeply coded, speech all about it.

Go ahead, check it out, I'll wait (it's only 1:43)....Okay, here we go!

Near as I can figure it, Palin is running away from her gubernatorial responsibilities, those she was elected to fulfill by the people of the State of Alaska, because she thinks it's too hard a job to do right now. Because of the "new political environment."

"New political environment." Translation: I'm quitting because of Obama and the bad, bad, bad things he's doing - Obama is forcing me to quit. It's all Obama's fault. Blame Obama. Sarah in 2012! (BUY MY BOOK! BUY MY BOOK! You know, the one that I couldn't write and make money from while still governor? Yeah, that one.)

I think she intends to set herself up for the next few years as the ultimate political outsider, willing to sacrifice all for the good of the (white) people in the fight against evil (aka "That one!"). Things is gonna get even uglier, kids.

I think Little Miss Hitler just threw down the glove.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Palin Family Sitcom - A Gift That Keeps On Giving



Better than a case of single-malt scotch from Santa, I present to you "Meet The Palins" - America's wackiest new sitcom family. Living halfway between an Alaskan trailer park and the White House, those crazy Palins will make you laugh and cry...and cry...and cry some more.

In last week's episode, Levi - teen husband of teen mommy Bristol - had gotten an into an apprenticeship position, without having his high school diploma. I thought this odd, being a teacher, a teacher of at-risk/drop-out students, because I know that in Illinois if you want to get into an apprenticeship program you have to have a high school diploma. It's a federal thing. I put it out of my head because I was more concerned with, well, everything, and I didn't want to waste a brain cell on the Palin family parade anymore.

But it turns out I should've kept thinking. In the latest episode of "Meet The Palins," Levi has had to leave the program because he doesn't have a diploma! Oh, no! What's gonna happen to his baby-momma and baby! How will they ever survive? (Not on the $300K they were paid for pictures of little Levi Jr, possibly!)

And did Levi's scary mother-in-law (every sitcom has one!) pull political strings and call in favors to get high school dropout Levi into that program in the first place? Say it ain't so!

Damn, but we gotta be glad this scheming, conniving, nasty family never got within a reasonable distance of the White House and its cement pond. They'd have stripped the place clean and sold the dishes from out of the back of their Hummer. Or snowmobile. Whatever.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

North to Alaska, Comrades!



In case ya hadn't heard, Sarah Palin is the Governor of the most socialist, spread-the-wealth state in the Union!

Every damn individual in Alaska gets thousands of dollars handed over to them every year - totally tax-free and without any condition except citizenship - as a government stipend from oil revenues. This year, Governor Palin increased the refund by $1200 per person! And she claims that Alaskans somehow actually own the land of their own state, not the oil companies and other corporations - silly girl! - so that the people of Alaska "share in the wealth" when their resources are plundered. What a Commie!

That, my friends, is a socialist welfare state if ever I heard of one. It's the biggest dole in the nation. Nothin' but a handout to keep the proles happy. I'm surprised they don't have free satellite TV - with every ESPN channel! - for every citizen.

No wonder she likes being so close to Russia. Probably misses the good old days. Spends hours staring out her million-dollar windows at the Promised Land, sighing, wishing for a man like Joseph Stalin again.

Thanks to JedL at Daily Kos for jumpstarting this brainfart for me.
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Now playing: Roger Miller - The Promised Land
via FoxyTunes

Friday, October 24, 2008

My Glass Jaw Just Dropped. Anyone Got Glue?


Cognitive dissonance. Remember these two words while you watch this video.




This is the best question asked of any candidate this entire, overly long, incredibly stressful political season. It needs to be asked repeatedly of Palin and McCain, of Obama and Biden too. I want all of their answers on record.

If there is any way you are still clinging to McCain-Palin, still thinking that they can do a better job than Obama, unless you are a bomb-making doctor-killing foetus-loving domestic terrorist yourself, these few seconds of video should change your mind.

I won't elaborate any further, just push you over to this much better piece on Daily Kos.

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Now playing: MC5 - Poison
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Insert Caption Here




A moment of levity is called for after the last of the 2008 Presidential debates, as we find out that the Secret Service is derelict in its duty toward Barack Obama and openly partisan in its actions, as we endure more racist bullshit from the people McCain so brazenly defended last night, as Obergruppenführer Sarah continues her mad rampages into Bizarro World, intent on destroying the last vestiges of dignity still clinging to the Republican standard.

If you can think of any captions to make this already insanely funny picture even funnier, leave them in the Comments, please.

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Now playing: The Dream Syndicate - Weathered And Torn
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Throw Another Book On the Fire, Sarah, It's Cold Outside!



I've come to one conclusion about Sarah Palin: She's a great agitator and manipulator.

I don't know if she truly believes a thing she says, but she can make other people believe her. She insinuates well. She gives hints to her base about how they should act. She empowers them, gives them the freedom to publicly act in ways they wouldn't condone from any other group.

Example:

Worse, Palin's routine attacks on the media have begun to spill into ugliness. In Clearwater, arriving reporters were greeted with shouts and taunts by the crowd of about 3,000. Palin then went on to blame Katie Couric's questions for her "less-than-successful interview with kinda mainstream media." At that, Palin supporters turned on reporters in the press area, waving thunder sticks and shouting abuse. Others hurled obscenities at a camera crew. One Palin supporter shouted a racial epithet at an African American sound man for a network and told him, "Sit down, boy."
This should scare you. But it gets worse:
The reception had been better in Clearwater, where Palin, speaking to a sea of "Palin Power" and "Sarahcuda" T-shirts, tried to link Obama to the 1960s Weather Underground. "One of his earliest supporters is a man named Bill Ayers," she said. ("Boooo!" said the crowd.) "And, according to the New York Times, he was a domestic terrorist and part of a group that, quote, 'launched a campaign of bombings that would target the Pentagon and our U.S. Capitol,' " she continued. ("Boooo!" the crowd repeated.)
"Kill him!" proposed one man in the audience.
Scared now?

Palin is telling her base that it's okay to express their inner racist child, to scream racial insults, to threaten death to African-Americans. Not a problem for her or John McCain, so long as it puts them in the White House.

What can we do about this? How can we react without acting like them?

One way - give Obama your time and your money. It's easy to donate; I've done it several times. Or volunteer if there is an active group in your area. If you can't volunteer, put a sign in your yard. It may not seem like much, but in this kind atmosphere its a symbol of your desire for change. It's even, depending on where you live, an act of courage.

And write your local paper. Again it may not seem like much, but most papers are actually starved for decent letters to publish these days. Some take emails, but many still don't and their In-Boxes are pretty empty. Give them your opinion, tell them why you support Obama, why we need to fight for the future.

Most importantly, really talk to people. Be the Anti-Palin. I know I mock a lot here, but that's not how I talk one-on-one with people. This is public play and political theatre, not interpersonal communication. Use your innate common sense and sense of decency to explain why you are voting for Obama and what an Obama presidency means to you. It's that simple.

I gotta go now. I think my lawn sign needs straightening.

Vote Obama!

Update: Paranoid validation. At least I'm not the only one using the eyes in the back of my head.

Update (x2): More about the violent rhetoric and fear mongering of the McCain-Palin campaign. With links to further stories.

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Now playing: The Chemistry Set - The Dreams That I Saw Yesterday
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Best SNL Sketch Ever




What? This isn't a bit from Saturday Night Live? That's not Tina Fey? No freakin' way. I mean, really, the way the camera keeps cutting to that dumbfounded "I cannot believe what I am seeing and hearing" look on Katie Couric's face (I just assumed she was the Guest Host this week!) - that has to be scripted, right? Right?

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Now playing: Plan 9 - Frustration
via FoxyTunes

Monday, September 22, 2008

Seeing Red (aka Fun With Your New Head)



This is from the "This Will Make Your Head Spin So Fast It Will Leave Your Body and Attain Orbit as an Independent Satellite of Planet Earth" Department.

CBS News made several inquiries over the course of two days to another campaign spokesperson asking for details on any practical experience Palin had with Russia. The spokesperson said that campaign staffers were gathering evidence related to trade issues, but no such information was disseminated.

A spokesperson at the governor's office in Juneau directed all inquiries to the McCain/Palin campaign. Told that the inquiry was related to Palin's role as the governor of Alaska - not as a vice presidential candidate - the spokesperson said that state ethics legislation required that all questions “fueled by the governor's candidacy” must be directed to the campaign. The spokesperson provided a phone number for a campaign spokeswoman Meg Stapleton. A phone message left on Stapleton's voicemail was not returned.

Take it in. Let it fill you with joy. Know that you have now witnessed the most incredible example of Orwellian double-thinking double-speaking bullshit in American political history.

See: According to the McCain-Palin campaign, she has the foreign policy experience necessary to be the next President of the United States because of her state's proximity to not just one but two other countries that are not the United States.

Why? Because if you stand on tiptoes on some Alaskan island, you can see some Russian island fifty miles away. Oh, and then there's Canada. Can't trust them either.

But: When questioned about this "experience" and how it pertains to her possible Vice Presidency, we are told that this is not a relevant question. Because it is about her time as Governor of Alaska. Not about her time as a VP candidate...

Whoa! The Earth now has several dozen new natural satellites. NASA - are you tracking this?

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Now playing: Tall Dwarfs - Nothing's Going to Stop It
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Forgive Us, Sarah - You Can't Help Yourself!



Did ya hear the one about how Sarah Palin's teleprompter malfunctioned so badly during her RNC speech that she had to ad-lib much of it? Yet she still managed to wing it and give the best darn speech of her life? Because she just thought of [Insert name of current state being campaigned in here] and it inspired her to go on?! Golly! She's smart on her feet, ain't she? She can think fast, can't she? She lies like a rug, don't she!

'Cuz, my country cousins, it ain't true. Sweet Sarah's got a problem. She's a liar. A big liar. A huge freakin' liar. And she just can't stop. But she wants all us heartland folk that she identifies with so much to think that she did it just for all us lil' people, people just like her, people who get thousands of dollars in per diem travel expenses to stay at home and work, people who have tanning beds in their homes, people who own seaplanes (yeah, she's got a seaplane!). Regular folk. With beehive hairdos. Like you and me and the B-52s.

I couldn't find a good picture of a liar with pants appropriately on fire, but I figure this one works because she'll be telling us next about her new moose urine-powered rocket pack that she uses to travel around Alaska in proper green fashion, ever since she sold that ol' luxury jet on Ebay. Oh, wait, that was a lie too!

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Now playing: The Celibate Rifles - The More Things Change
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Right Stuff?



Pardon me for a moment while I wrap myself in the flag...almost there...ouch!...God, how do the Republicans do this...oh wait, yeah, that's it, baby, that's perfect!

Okay, let's get started.

Did ya hear the one about Sarah Palin being unfit to command?

See, one of the first things our potential Commander-in-Chief, Sweet Sarah, did after getting the Veep nod from Big John was to...illegally give away the date her son might be deploying to Iraq - a clear and complete violation of what the military calls OPSEC or Operational Security.

Now, you or I might end up beat down in the streets or hijacked to a secret cell somewhere after being disappeared by any combination of local or state police/FBI/Army commandos/secret Ninjas - like has been happening in St. Paul for the last week, "Heil, McCain!!!" - but Saint Sarah gets a total pass on this.

Why? Because she's "qualified."

If McCain wins, we are doomed. Doomed, I tells ya, doomed!

PS Apparently for questioning Sarah Palin's qualification claims on Huffpost, I've been banned from commenting there. I haven't gotten a reply from Huffpost yet about this, but the last comment I logged was about her and this issue. So much for liberal media.

PPS Are you bothered by the media coverage of the savage macings and beatings the Minneapolis-St. Paul police are delivering to protesters and peaceful non-protesting concert-goers? Probably not, because the media isn't covering it. Not nationally. It's ironic that Rush Limbaugh called for riots in the streets in Denver, but we're getting them in St. Paul. Is that irony? Or just reality. I can't tell the difference anymore.

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Now playing: Wipers - Land Of The Lost
via FoxyTunes