Where's My Unicorn?

The Political Gospel According to Sarah doth say:

"[Democrats] act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland if they really think they're gonna be able to turn it around with the liberal policies they have to continue, and you know, it's pixie dust."

Unicorn ranch? Where the fuck is this? I want my goddamn pink fuzzy unicorn and I want it now!!!

What else are they holding out on us? Jetpacks? Woolly mammoth dishwashers? And they also got pixie dust?

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I'm quitting the secret Democratic Fantasy Party immediately if I don't get my unicorn by secret Intertube mail within one hour. One hour, you heard me. Unicorn-holding out bastards.

Who? Me? Tea Party?

Ultra-billionaire David Koch claims that he has never been involved in the "tea party" movement, never met anyone involved in, doesn't even know what tea is, apparently.

But...



Gosh, that must be an animatronic robot ghost clone monkey of David Koch presiding over a meeting of national reps from the "grassroots" Tea Party that he's never heard of.

Somebody catch that clone!

Mr. Law & Order

Check it out!



And, tomorrow, David Vitter is going to turn himself in for having illegal sex with prostitutes. He's going to bring his own rope and ask that he just be lynched right away because he can't stand for anyone who breaks the law to go unpunished!

What a guy.

Oh Noes! They Haz Brown Faces!

No, no, no - the Tea Baggers are not a bunch of sick racist bastards! Why won't anyone listen to me? Why?

Oh, that's why. Sorry. My bad.

Burn, Baby, Burn!

PROBLEM

The New Republican Vision for America: Pay-to-Play!

House burning down? Did you pay your fire bribe?

Armed robbery at your gas station? Did you pay off your local cops?

Kids want an education? Mbwahahahahahaha! What? Really? Mbwahahahaha! (Oh, you're not kidding?)

There are two visions for America - one in which the general welfare is provided for all by all of us and another in which only those who can afford it have access to...well...everything.

If Republicans and Tea Bag crazyfucktards take control of Congress next month, look for the end of America as we know it. Unless you got the cash.

SOLUTION? GET OFF YOUR ASS AND VOTE!

Feel My Pain? No Thanks

I really hate Bill Clinton. Hated him while he was President, hate him just as much now, even when he's out purportedly stumping for Obama's policies. More like stumping for his own publicity - he's an attention whore of a high degree. Hate him, yes sir, totally hate him.

Plus,  I've never understood the kind of thrall in which he holds so many, especially in the media. The other evening, Chris "Man-Crush" Matthews was drooling about Clinton and bemoaning Obama's inability to be just like Clinton, to get out and emote and slobber and lie about "feeling our pain"! I wanted to feel my fist against Matthews throat before he was done.

Obama, praise be, ain't Clinton. Let's get that straight. Obama ain't perfect, either. I'm not 100% thrilled with every policy direction Obama has taken since January of last year, but for only the second time in my life I feel like this country has a President that thinks before he acts. (Carter was the only other in and I'll always be pro-Carter, no matter how much the Right trashes him, imperfect as he too was as a President). I'll take Obama's measured, thoughtful way over Cowboy George's shoot-the-country-in-the-foot-from-his-hip approach or Clinton's smarmy Demo-Publican touchy-feely bullshit any day. And don't get me started on that bastard Reagan!!!!

Obama is also the hardest working President we've had in generations. He has accomplished an incredible number of legislative feats in the last year, even working against the Party of No. Bush didn't get as much done in eight years as Obama has in less than two, unless you take into account his plunging of the nation into a recession, squandering a trillion-dollar surplus on tax cuts for the wealthy and starting multiple endless wars as accomplishments. And Obama keeps going, despite the opposition, despite the idiocy, despite having to spend way too much of his time fixing his predecessors fuck-ups.

Dang. I didn't mean to go full-bore about Obama. Just wanted to smack Bill Clinton down when I started. Hate that bastard, really hate him.

He Just Doesn't Get It (And He's Not Getting Any Either)

Sometimes, I found the absolute and total hypocrisy of the right funny as hell. I don't yell, I laugh. Here's the perfect example - James O'Keefe, the lying piece of human garbage that destroyed ACORN with his doctored video tapes (and the complete cooperation of the traditional media and Congress), thought he'd do the same thing with CNN. This time around, his plan was to seduce and sexually blackmail a female CNN reporter who was doing a story on him and other members of the fringe right-media. But it all blew up in his face.

I don't know what to laugh at more. Is it the whole high school sophomore idea of the great seduction which involved a floating pleasure palace, sex toys, hidden cameras and more or is it O'Keefe's delusion that he was attractive enough to seduce a woman. Any woman. Anywhere. Without paying her upfront. And she'd still turn him down and leave with his money.

James O'Keefe is a sexual predator, deeply misogynistic and with an over-inflated ego that will someday yet be his downfall. Maybe this is the time. Let's hope the judge revokes his probation from his last attempt at illegal wire-tapping and B&E. Let's hope he goes behind bars. Maybe some of his sex dreams will finally come true then.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

If, like me, you enjoy a good alternate history yarn, I'm sure you were on pins and needles for the November 9 release of what has been touted as a total blockbuster in the genre:

Sadly, after receiving an advanced copy, I have to explode the hype. Read on but be aware of spoilers, kids.

Evidently, the plot is about a fictional President of the United States during a time of great crisis and many threats to the nation's identity and very survival. In it's one really good twist, the author claims to be this same President and is presenting the novel as a memoir. Shades of Norman Spinrad and The Iron Dream, eh?

Anyhoo, this President Bush* enters the Oval Office without winning either the popular vote and with a spurious electoral  count but is somehow magically installed by the Supreme Court (like that'd ever happen!) Immediately, he begins planning war upon Iraq, ordering his advisors to create a plausible reason for an invasion. Luckily for this President's insane desire to destroy peace in the Middle East for generations and the novel's plot, terrorists attack the United States during the President's first year in office. This gives Bush all the excuse he needs to wage unlimited war on multiple fronts in both Iraq and Afghanistan while also creating secret prisons and torture camps and ramrodding legislation through Congress designed to strip American citizens of their basic liberties in the name of freedom. Unbelievably, the Congress and the American people just go along with all of this, cowed evidently by the massive fear campaign the President creates with the help of his truly evil Vice President, Cheney. (The invention of Cheney is the one good point in this otherwise crap novel; he is  evil through and through and how the author created such a villain will forever be a mystery as his main character, himself, is as forgettable as yesterday's news).

I'm not going to give away too much more of the story, though I will tell you that amazingly (and evidently through nefarious means) this President Bush wins a second term in office. Even more amazingly, without possibility of sequel, this President Bush does absolutely nothing to capture the terrorists responsible for the original attacks on the United States! Overall, the plot is ramshackle, hard to digest, harder to believe and make it barely worth giving the book a look-see when it hits your local library, let alone buying a copy. Total fantasy - and not even a good one!

As for the style, let's just say it reads like it was ghost-written. By a real ghost.

And from our Just For Laughs Department, we present a pic of the author snapped at this year's Comic-Con where he COS-played as his alter-ego, Gorgeo the Elf-Mage. The photo is author-submitted and I'm pretty sure he had a lot of fun with Photoshop. Yikes! Who does he think he is?

* I'm wondering if the author is trying to play off the real President Bush - remember him, the guy who beat Clinton in '92 but left office in disgrace after, well, you know all about it and it's just too sordid to repeat here.

No More War! No More War!

[Above: John Boehner at Woodstock]

The progressive party of peace and love, the Gaia-loving hippies of Congress, won a major battle today. A battle in the war against war.

Yes, Republicans came out loud and strong today and spoke with a strong voice against war and the military industrial complex, hallelujah, hallelujah! Voting to deny money to the nation's military, Republicans (and a few crazy Democrats!) turned their backs on our soldiers and the nation's defense. Never before has the peace-wing of American politics had such a significant victory! Maya Angelou is crying in her beer right now, crying with joy.

Kudos! Bravo! Go, soul sisters!

And make sure you slam that damn door shut on your way out. Don't want teh gays gettin' in here. They might want to redecorate the place. Or join the Army, God forbid.

What They Do When We're Not Looking

I read the headlines on Daily Kos about voter fraud in Wisconsin and I feared greatly for our democracy. Ohmigod, I thought/screamed, ACORN is back! Images of happy non-white voters legally expressing themselves at the ballot box filled my head - oh, the horror, the horror!!!!

But now I feel better. This time - unlike the imaginary last time - it's just Republicans, Tea Baggers and similar filth planning in detail to subvert the electoral process in Wisconsin, disenfranchise minority voters and rig an election.

No biggie. Because, as we all know, It's Okay If You're A Republican!!!!

Or a white rich male. Same diff.

What's the name of that Metallica album that always comes to mind at times like these? Hmmm....