Friday, October 15, 2010

Where's My Unicorn?

The Political Gospel According to Sarah doth say:
"[Democrats] act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland if they really think they're gonna be able to turn it around with the liberal policies they have to continue, and you know, it's pixie dust."
Unicorn ranch? Where the fuck is this? I want my goddamn pink fuzzy unicorn and I want it now!!!

What else are they holding out on us? Jetpacks? Woolly mammoth dishwashers? And they also got pixie dust?

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I'm quitting the secret Democratic Fantasy Party immediately if I don't get my unicorn by secret Intertube mail within one hour. One hour, you heard me. Unicorn-holding out bastards.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Who? Me? Tea Party?

Ultra-billionaire David Koch claims that he has never been involved in the "tea party" movement, never met anyone involved in, doesn't even know what tea is, apparently.


Gosh, that must be an animatronic robot ghost clone monkey of David Koch presiding over a meeting of national reps from the "grassroots" Tea Party that he's never heard of.

Somebody catch that clone!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Mr. Law & Order

Check it out!

And, tomorrow, David Vitter is going to turn himself in for having illegal sex with prostitutes. He's going to bring his own rope and ask that he just be lynched right away because he can't stand for anyone who breaks the law to go unpunished!

What a guy.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Oh Noes! They Haz Brown Faces!

No, no, no - the Tea Baggers are not a bunch of sick racist bastards! Why won't anyone listen to me? Why?

Oh, that's why. Sorry. My bad.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Burn, Baby, Burn!

The New Republican Vision for America: Pay-to-Play!

House burning down? Did you pay your fire bribe?

Armed robbery at your gas station? Did you pay off your local cops?

Kids want an education? Mbwahahahahahaha! What? Really? Mbwahahahaha! (Oh, you're not kidding?)

There are two visions for America - one in which the general welfare is provided for all by all of us and another in which only those who can afford it have access to...well...everything.

If Republicans and Tea Bag crazyfucktards take control of Congress next month, look for the end of America as we know it. Unless you got the cash.