Sunday, December 25, 2011

Buy Me!

As of this moment, my personal political endorsement of any presidential candidate, any party, is now for sale.

The bidding starts at $999,999.00. Bidding ends when I decided I've raked in enough dough to get off the couch.

The "winning" candidate will receive: A nod in said candidate's general direction, a knowing wink when candidate's name is mentioned, a slow nod of approval with overly large smile if asked "Do you support 'Candidate X'?" and a "Like" of candidate's official Facebook page.

Let the money shower commence!

Sunday, December 4, 2011


A handful of government officials secretly colluded with basically the nation's entire financial sector to receive secret loans for $7.7 trillion fucking dollars. SEVEN POINT SEVEN TRILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.

I may be wrong but I think that looks like this:


Close enough for government work, as my Grandpa used to say.

Should we have hearings? Demand investigations? Crap ourselves silly?

I have only one suggestion: drag every single CEO and government official culpable in this corruption out of their offices by the hair, pepper spray them in the face, hit them in the ribs and along their spines with billy clubs, cuff 'em, throw 'em in a police van for ten hours, make 'em piss and shit themselves, put 'em in a filthy, overcrowded jail without representation, food or medicine, parade their degraded faces all over the media, mock them on national television, slap enormously out of proportion bail on them and finally kick 'em out on the street. Without their jobs.

Then tell 'em to take a bath and get a job.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Time Travel is Bad

My response.

It's Willie Time!

Newt: You are so distanced from reality that you don't know what a janitor does, do you? Here's a reality check: 

"A janitor's job is also more dangerous than most American occupations -- and hardly fit for children, according to the Labor Department's description of the work. Janitors, it notes, 'may suffer cuts, bruises, and burns from machines, handtools, and chemicals. They spend most of their time on their feet, sometimes lifting or pushing heavy furniture or equipment. Many tasks, such as dusting or sweeping, require constant bending, stooping, and stretching.'"

Not to mention cleaning up the vomit of sick children. Custodial work is hard goddamn work. I know because I did this for a living once upon a time. It's back breaking and exhausting and requires more skills than the average person can believe.

How many kindergartners can sweep, mop and wax a classroom floor? How many first graders can prep, prime and paint anything? How many second graders can repair minor plumbing and electrical problems? How many third graders can shampoo carpets? How many fourth graders can safely move a 50-gallon drum of toxic cleaner? How many school children can work second shift to do all this work because most of it can't be done during school hours?

Finally: How many Newt Gringrich's are willing to work one  hour as a janitor?

The answer to all of these questions is: NONE. Especially the last.

Confession: I've been waiting 20 years for Newt to publicly show what a truly despicable person he is. It's been worth the wait.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Just Say "Jesus" First

Mmmm, kids, mmmm, bullying is bad, you know. So don't bully anyone, okay? Unless you say "Jesus" before you bully them. Then it's okay, because that's, like, your religious belief and it's okay then. Just say "Jesus" before you beat the gay kid in the locker room. Just say "Jesus" before you make the fat girl kill herself. Just say "Jesus" before you dump the pig's blood on the fake prom queen. Then it's okay. Oops. I forgot to say "Jesus" before I wrote this. But it's okay to say it at the end too. "Jesus." Yeah, that's good.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Elizabeth the Riveter

Been a long time, kids. Sorry. But Elizabeth Warren said the most goddamn fuckin' amazin' shit thing in American political history since Reagan barfed out "Trickle down! Trickle down!"

But this is a good thing.

So I made her a little present.

Hope she likes it.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Oh, Wisconsin!

My home state pride in Wisconsin has slipped again. First they stupidly vote out Sen. Russ Feingold, a true progressive hero and a voice of sanity in the Senate.

Then they elect a crazy man as Governor whose first job is to throw away billions in government money and Wisconsin's chance to have high speed rail connecting it's largest cities with the rest of the country.

Now: Crazy man woke up and decided to roll back worker's rights about a century.

Putting the National Guard on call to quell any possible unrest his decision may cause, new Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has decided to strip collective bargaining rights from almost all state employees, including (and especially) teachers.

Taking a cue from despots and tyrants everywhere, he is already threatening physical action by armed forces if there is any public unrest over his decision which he hopes to ram through the Republican-controlled state legislature.

I hope you're happy, Wisconsin. You get what you vote for and right now you got a tin-pot dictator who wants to destroy a century of labor progress and turn Wisconsin into a worker's hell, especially if you work for the state.

My one hope - massive and immediate strikes by all concerned. Shut the fucking state down and show the power of labor. Just do it, Wisconsin! Just do it! Kill, Bucky, kill! (Obvious Mario Bava reference, eh?)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Gone But Not Forgotten

The Gipper is dead! Love live The Gipper!

Much is being written on both sides of the fence right now about Reagan's legacy. I remember it as a divisive legacy that helped foster the culture-war mentality of the right, worked tirelessly to crush unions and the middle class, promoted corporate welfare over welfare for the poor, built huge national debt, aided and abetted right-wing terrorist death squads which killed men, women, children and even nuns in the name of democracy, made ketchup a vegetable and brought covert religious agendas into the heart of Washington.

Pretty much shit for a legacy, I think. The only good thing to come out of the Reagan years was the upsurge of underground art and literature and music that I've always felt was a reaction to the conservative blanket Reagan tried to throw over the country.

So long, Ron. You're not missed.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Long Time, No See

I ain't dead. Just sleeping until I'm needed by the Republic, in a mountain cave protected by magic unicorns and giant all-seeing sunflower guardians, like all good liberals in waiting.

Actually, I decided to stop blogging and started doing shit. I got involved in real, on-the-ground politics last October right around the time of my 499th post on this blog. Did a bunch of phone banking and door-to-door canvassing and handing out leaflets and stuff I never thought I'd do. Talking to people on porches was fun. Lots of really neat people out there. Even helped organize a progressive political rally. Gave a speech at it too. Fuckin' weird, eh?

But it was fun. It felt good to get off the couch and get the hell out of the house and actually do something. And I've kept doing things since. Not going to go into details, but I'm pretty busy and just seem to be getting busier all the time, working on local politics and issues of importance in my town, trying to help out with my community's hunger needs and just plain hoping to make the little world I live in with my family a better place.

So, kids, if you're bored, feeling aimless, don't know what to do, here's my idea. Get out of the basement, maybe take a shower but at least put on pants, go outside, blink a while - that hot bright thing in the blue thing is the sun, in the sky - walk around the block or down the street and see what's happening. I'm sure there's something that needs doing. I bet you can help do it.

But that doesn't mean I'm done here. This is post 500. I bet I'll get to 1000 someday. Besides, with all the crazy coming out of the woodworks right now in the Republican party, I'd be nuts to stop doing this!

See ya soon, kids! Take care.