Johnny Taliban to the Rescue!

Dear John:

Still all bitter and angry about "That one!" winning in November, eh? Well, although the traditional media is still mancrushingly in love with you and the idea that you at least of all your party colleagues could rise above toilet-level partisan politics, I knew better. I knew you wouldn't disappoint the American people when it comes to disappointing the American people.

Only a couple weeks into Obama's Presidency and you are emerging as one of the ringleader's of the Republican "insurgency." Oh, and a heckuva line there about "generational theft" - I think that's what My Smart Wife's been calling the Iraq War for years! You owes her monies. Lotsa monies.

(BTW, a nice touch that whole "insurgency" idea. What late night meth-party did that one come out of? I know you haven't been using it personally, but your buddies are, John, and I don't hear you condemning them. I've always relied on Republicans to be consistently creepy, but this is skin-crawl territory of the highest order, comparing your party favorably to an enemy we are at war with. Bravo!)

Face it: You're a loser, John McCain, a complete and total loser. The American people told you that overwhelmingly last November. Try and remember that crushing defeat and learn from it. I know that's hard, as you've never been one to learn from your mistakes (how many planes did you crash?) but if you want to be a real American hero - and not just a guy who disobeyed orders and got his plane shot out from underneath him and ended up a prisoner of war through a combination of his own stubbornness and stupidity - then shake off the petty dogs of your party from your ancient ass and actually do something positive. Help the American people.

Be an inspiration, John, be a force for good, be positive and stand like a patriot by your President. You can support him while respectfully outlining your differences, putting the crisis of our economy before partisanship, before pettiness. That's what a leader does. That's what a hero does. Right now, you ain't no hero, John. And thank Zombie Jesus that you ain't our leader.

So long and smell ya later, loser.

Love,

The 'monkey